One of the Workshops I enjoy is Conflict resolution for couples. It gives me great joy to help couples when they are struggling. There are some common pieces of advice that can be offered without sitting the whole workshop,
I am going to let you know some of them, let us call them the 7 points to remember:
- if you are hanging on to your feelings or emotions without specifically stating them, you aren’t helping your own relationship
- if you are so wound up that you cant let your partner speak without interrupting, you are helping your conversation become an argument.
- if you think it is up to you to judge your partner, or somehow “tell them what they are doing” you are ignoring the only part of the conflict you can help solve, and that’s your own behavior.
- You have 2 options when dealing with tense emotions, be a couple that deals with them immediately or be a couple that routinely has check in meetings with each other. you can not be both.
- if your partner cares enough to ask what’s wrong, and you refrain at that time from telling them, you are being passive aggressive, and destructive to your relationship. if you believe you dictate when your issues are to be resolved, you wont be resolving you will be bullying.
- believing you get to say what the other person thinks, feels, is motivated by, or anything else, is you driving the conversation to where you want your own perceptions validated, it is judgmental, and it is definitely not constructive. your job is to express yourself by explaining how events are impacting you, if you cant do that, you are not ready to talk about it
- expecting one partner to constantly have to navigate through tears and hysteria isn’t trying to solve anything. at best it is a passive aggressive power play to further get your way, instead of a resolution or peace.
These are very much the starting guidelines as growing as a couple. if you have heard or repeated the same things over several arguments, the arguments are not working, and if you feel you aren’t being heard, ask yourself if you’re actually hearing the other person.
people, with the exception of Narcissists get into a relationship to be happy with someone else over a long term, Narcissists start of a relationship is a slow very obvious walk to the end of the relationship, and there isn’t much point in being in a relationship if one person is ultimately pushing things to an end, the other person would be within their spiritual and self care rights to terminate as soon as they realize this.
Sometimes in life we simply need to be kind, but also sometimes in life, we need to suck up a bit of our made of glass mentality and ego we have when things don’t go right. what I mean by this is sometimes we argue and are so interested in being right or validated on some past hurt, we don’t realize we are pushing the relationship into oblivion because we just cant let things go. so what do you let go and what do you talk about then? stay tuned, i will make this a week long series , part two tomorrow will cover just that